March 31, 2020. 11:36 PM: 8th Grade Science Project
I am back in my home town, in the middle of Central Pennsylvania, the only place in the world that stands still. Tired of the monotonous stasis, I climbed out of my bedroom window onto the roof of my parent’s house. I was surrounded by pines and only a couple of scattered houses. Tonight feels colder than other nights, whether due to a drop in atmospheric pressure or because I refused to wear my high school letterman jacket. I look up at the sky to see the Moon. It remains a constant, as though I were conducting a science experiment in 8th grade. Waxing, or is it waning… waxing, although I had to look the answer up on Google, I still got it correct. I would have received an A or some other form of affirmation like Good Job or a blue star from one of those sticker packs your teacher bought in bulk at the beginning of the semester. 8th grade seems so long ago, I remember learning the phases of the Moon, even though I second-guessed myself and proceeded to type “what is the phase of the moon today,” into a search engine. I think Mrs. Sutika would be disappointed. But, how was I to know that one day I would want to escape Earth and travel into space? At what age is it too late to want to be an astronaut when I grow up? I’m 22.
April 1, 2020. 12:01 AM: To Visit the Moon
Once again I find myself, alone, on my parent’s roof, staring up at the sky looking for answers in the unknown. What would it take to visit the Moon? I seem to be asking myself that a lot nowadays. What would it take to fly beyond Earth’s atmosphere to enter the orbiting system of the Moon? Would I have to build a rocket ship that could propel me into the depths of space? Or a slingshot, that could shoot me out of my apartment? As you can probably tell, I am not a scientist. The closest I have ever got to becoming a scientist was watching somebody else dissect my fetal pig in bio while I cowered in fear from across the room. They say that pigs can sense fear… I wonder if the pig on the metal tray could still sense fear. My fear. They also say that pigs are one of the smartest animals. I am not a pig. So, what would it take to get to the visit Moon? 238,900 miles is the distance between the Earth and the Moon. It seems further than that from my rooftop. It took the Apollo 11 spacecraft 76 hours to enter the lunar orbit, 75 more hours than I would want to spend trapped in what was essentially a flying metal buttplug.
If I hypothetically wanted to leave Earth — would I be able to fly myself to the Moon? If I was unable to make it to the Moon due to either technical difficulties, struck down by a meteoroid, or travel restrictions — How could I recreate the Moon on Earth?
Possible ways to recreate the Moon:
- Create a false landing of my own to gloat over the Soviets and their insufficient rocket power.
- Create a giant shrink way to where a blue marble was the Earth.
- Have a man choke me out while getting fucked to simulate the lack of oxygen in space.
All of these seem like viable options when it comes to visiting the Moon.
April 1, 2020. 1: 31 PM: A Amatuer Ascent into Space
It has happened, a complete lockdown. All government activity becomes still and the NASA space program suspends rocket to the Moon. I have decided to leave Earth, without the support of government funding on an amateur ascent into space. Planning my entire expedition based on the Apollo 11 documents and a movie titled MOON, which has proven to be useless. This log will be an auto-documentary of my research, ideas, and methods into the creation of my spacecraft to the Moon. On April 15, 2020, I will begin my eight-day journey to the Moon, and finally, prove whether or not Magellan’s theory that the Earth is flat is correct. If by chance, the Earth is flat I will be royally pissed. It would have been much easier to just step off the edge of the world and into space than creating my rocketship. Fuck you, Magellan.
April 1, 2020. 1: 42 PM: Preparing for the Moon Landing
To prepare for my journey, I need to create a list of essential items to take to the Moon. I feel as though I am gay Neil Armstrong training for the first expedition to the Moon. Although, unlike Neil, I have absolutely no formal training and lack complete knowledge of how to sustain life in outer space. First, what does the Moon already have? According to a 22-page document created by NASA, here is a list of random objects left on the Moon: an array of lunar module parts, a hammer, cone (unspecified,) left and right boot, a hammock, and a document proclaiming “University of Michigan Alumni of the Moon.” Besides the quality of space junk, the Moon consists of nothing but rocks and only rocks. The whole fucking place is essentially a giant rock. As if there weren’t enough small Moons on Earth as it is.
“Essential Items to take to the Moon” by Devin Wilson
- And a dildo. One may get lonely on the Moon